Today's post is extremely late and I apologize. And now for my long-winded explanation of why...
Today I had a day off (I run an in-home daycare) and tackled a doctors appointment. I had been referred to a hypertension specialist because my blood pressure, which has been an issue since I was pregnant with my son 10 years ago, has become uncontrolled with my medication... Again. My primary physician was worried my kidneys weren't functioning properly and after having a sonogram done on them a few weeks ago, I had an appointment to go over the results and my options.
So don't worry, my kidneys ARE fine. Which was extremely relieving to hear. My hypertension is mainly thanks to my genes as my older sister, mother, father and grandmother all suffer from it. He does want me to lose a bit of weight to help rein it in and added another medication to the one I'm currently on (I currently take 6 pills a day, so what's one more?) but didn't seem overly concerned.
I did breathe a sigh of relief, knowing there was nothing wrong with me that wasn't too serious (well as not serious as it can be when you have high blood pressure).
Another relief as he told me that having another baby wouldn't be a risk once we found the right medication/dosages and got my numbers under control. I have two healthy, beautiful kids. A boy and a girl. Everyone's perfect family, apparently. But after miscarrying our third baby nearly a year ago, the desire to have another child has been stronger than ever.
But my health concerns have held me back from wanting to try again. You see, pregnancy makes your blood pressure run higher than normal and with a woman who already has hypertension problems, the risks are even greater. Pre-eclampsia with severe swelling and headaches, low birth weight. Then eclampsia and toxemia with seizures, strokes, comas and even death. All very real risks. And all reasons to firmly say no to another pregnancy.
I felt like my choice to be pregnant, to feel that life fluttering inside me, was taken away. There was no choice. For women that have experienced a medical reason to not have a pregnancy, some never even getting the option in the first place, the feeling is horrible.
So hearing that in the future, I could have that choice was the best news I've had in a while.
So on with my day. Like I said, I had the day off and my kids wouldn't be home from school for hours so I decided to spend the rest of my day relaxing. I know I should've been writing but I've recently discovered a new addiction. That addiction is Downton Abbey. I'm jumping on the bandwagon a bit late but I rented the first 3 seasons from my library and have been trying to play catch-up.
So after my doctor appointment I came home and started on season 3. If you watch Downton, you know what happens. I reached episode 5 and the bubble of joy I had gotten back earlier in the day, was popped.
Sybil, one of my favorite characters, died. And not just an ordinary death. She died shortly after giving birth from complications of eclampsia.
Ugh. And yes, I know that this was 1920-whatever and medicine was still appallingly Neanderthal. But watching that character die from the same thing I am at risk for, the same day I was told I wouldn't have to worry about it, was depressing. I cried the rest of the day. Effectively ruining my day off. And ruining any mood to write anything creative or full of advice.
So I mulled it over until bedtime and decided to tell you all about it instead of going to sleep. Quite possibly because I will just dream of dying in childbirth and I'm trying to avoid those nightmares for as long as possible.
So I will leave off with a consolation for anyone who is worried. Though I desperately want to have another baby, I will not risk my life to do so. If my primary doctor, hypertension specialist and obstetrician all share the same concern, I will gladly hang up my 'child-bearing' cap and exchange it for a 'permanent birth control' one with a 'possibility of adoption' feather in it. So please don't worry about my health or my children going motherless because of a selfish decision on my part.
Honestly, I have no idea why I even wrote this in my blog as it's a very personal post but I seem to not have been able to help myself. So I'll leave it at that and wish you all health... and happiness in whatever form it may come in.
And on an epic side-note, I just realized that I used the word 'so' a million times in this post AND used it to start a few sentences, therefore, I shall endeavor to use other words from here on out. ;)