About Me

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I love being a mom and a wife. I've married to a man I would do anything for, and we have three beautiful children. I see so much of myself in both of them that it sometimes brings me to tears (happy ones).

I also love writing. Romance to be specific. I love the happily ever after that I believe everyone deserves. My stories aren't 'stop and smell the roses' type romances. While I believe everyone deserves happiness and true love, I know that sometimes you have to walk a hard road to find it. Those are the types of stories I like to write. The happily ever after that wasn't found, but earned. I work to earn mine on a daily basis and so do my characters. 

I am also working on a children's picture book series. Inspired (of course) by my kiddos. :)

On the non-writing front, I play acoustic guitar, sing, read like I get paid for it, ride horses, hike, paint rocks, and support a rather obsessive addiction to Pinterest.

I love to cook, which combined with my pinning addiction, leads to many experiments foisted on my unsuspecting husband and kids, mostly with good results. But sometimes, the dogs gets what the family refuses to eat. And they never complain. 

Friday, April 29, 2016

Writer's Ramblings - Pregnancy Journal - Four Months of Fear - March 8,2016

Little One,

I sit here at my laptop, only a day before I'm four months along. I still can't feel you moving inside me, but it won't be long now. And in only five short months, I'll be able to hold you in my arms.

It's been a scary ride so far, mostly in my own head. You see, I lost your sibling very early, and to say it scarred me would be quite an understatement. It completely changed me. Women know, as a general rule, that a loss can become reality in pregnancy. But none of us really believe that it will actually happen. Until it does.

You see, I had already brought your older brother and sister into the world. I had problems carrying them but they were never in any danger. The danger was to me. So the thought of losing them never crossed my mind. But your older sibling, the baby that would have been our third child, was lost to us before we'd even had a chance to hear a heartbeat.

It devastated me. It took me a year to want to try again. The fear of going through that loss was just too much. Then it took nearly a year convincing your Daddy. Then we tried for you for a year. A year full of disappointment and frustration. We were going to give up on having another child. Then you came along.

But with you came the fear. The fear of losing you. The fear of never hearing your heartbeat. The fear of never feeling you kick inside me. 

The first 12 weeks made me crazy with paranoia. Every twinge, every odd feeling, normal things for most pregnant women, sent me to the doctor in tears, fearing that you were gone. After those weeks, the actual chances of losing you were so much less, but my fear wouldn't abate. 

I even bought a Doppler to listen to your heartbeat at home, though most thought it was only adding to my fears, for me, it helped to alleviate them. You see, I can't feel you yet, so in between doctor visits, I have no idea how you are doing. Now I can hear your hummingbird heartbeat every day, and know that you are nestled safe inside me. 

These four months have gone so fast already and I hope that as you grow and I can feel you move inside me, that the joy I feel will far outweigh any fears I still have. 

In four months or so, I'll be holding you in my arms and I won't even remember how scary these past four months have been. Your tiny hand will be wrapped around my finger and the only thing I'll know or remember is how absolutely precious you are to me and how very much I love you. 

Your Mommy